Love at First Sight? Part I

Musings on the Differences between Relationships over Cultures

Ever since I was little, I remember thinking, "I am going to marry a non-American." This would certainly be grand - love across cultures, how my character and understanding of others would grow. We would have so much to share and teach each other, it would be a continuous learning experience. But now after having been in a cross-cultural relationship and currently living abroad and experiencing the neighbors on the other side of the Atlantic, my previous aspirations have become more skeptical.

Cross cultural relationships in liberal societies often have an alluring appeal. Two different, open-minded people fall head over heals in love with each other and share their different traditions, upbringings, values, languages and environments, accepting the other's differences and creating a hybrid culture. Cross-cultural love is the solution to world peace! People make it work - and many others fail terribly and find themselves possibly more confused about each other than they were when they first met. What are the boundaries in a cross-cultural relationship? And are there some cultural differences that are stronger than Cupid's arrow?

American Only?
The phenomena of dating. My definition: a process, which allows one to selectively choose and judge a potential partner through a number of first meetings, without getting too committed or emotionally involved. After a first meeting, the man might not even give the woman a hug, let along a kiss. There is no commitment, no responsibilities or demands asked of each other. Commitment and monogamy usually do not come until a month or more of knowing one another. I had my hand shaken very intensely after a dinner date, and I think he gave me an awkward hug after the 3rd meeting. Mind, this was a man that invited me to go to a shooting range with him on a first date and try out his shotguns - telltale sign I suppose.

Europeans, I have come to discover, do not understand this dating business - and it does seem quite like a business the way Americans treat it: avoiding confrontations, not making any serious commitments until the other party is fully committed as well, and being able to fly away at the slightest inconvenience.

A French Beginning
France, oppositely asks much more of a first one-on-one meeting and increasing more on subsequent meetings. A first 'meeting' commonly consists of at least drinks, usually dinner and/or a movie, and a kiss, or rather a French kiss as a parting 'adieu'. The second meeting comes around and if things are still going well, the two might as well have already been in a year long relationship. Boyfriend/girlfriend thoughts and spoken words are common at this point. Certainly after a third rendez-vous an unspoken monogamous relationship is agreed upon. This is where I loose all faith for the romance of European men. It seems not uncommon that the woman will, and is expected to remain monogamous to the male, yet quite common and quite the reputation for French men to have "mistresses". Double standards begin to appear...